Quite possibly, one of life's cruelest jokes is when you realize half way through the years of your life that perhaps there was something else you were supposed to be doing. Now circumstances prevent you from pursuing that realization. Then, you must spend the rest of your years, wondering, dreaming and maybe even plotting on how you can achieve what seems so out of reach.
A quote I read somewhere sticks in my head like a yellow post-it note on my computer desk...
"You will only ever know two things about another human being. What you want to see in them and what they want to show you." Combined together, these become the person you think you "know".
I feel I have spent the better part of twenty years showing people a certain side of me. The side that I want them to see. There are very few people who have gotten to know me well enough to know the opposite side...the "deeper" side.
This is the place that hides all of my dark thoughts of not being good enough. Smart enough. Strong enough. The place that takes all the words that people say around me and to me and stores them to think about at a later time.
Everyone has this hidden place. No matter how positive about things they seem or how happy they appear. The ability to keep it hidden or make jokes at its' expense, is what differentiates each of us.
Personally, I believe, that if some people in my life knew of my "other" side, they would be shocked. Some because they might not have realized that I could be so intelligent, others for not knowing I can be so dumb.
This is the year that I will change people's perception of me. That I will do something with my life because I want to, not because I have to. Guilt for wanting to do this is going to always be there. Funny though, I don't care anymore.
I spent my time as a child looking after my alcoholic mother. I spent my entire teenage years looking after an alcoholic ex-boyfriend and I've spent my 20's and 30's looking after my children and supporting my fiance in his wants and needs. I am overdue for some "quid pro quo".
I am going to go back to school. I am going to learn something that I want to learn and I am going to use what I learn to make a difference to the rest of my time.
Perhaps, the most important thing I will learn is a lesson I've already taught....Support is supposed to be unconditional to someone you love....
Cheers :)
Hi Missy,
ReplyDeleteSome of your writings are so thought provoking, relevant and painful. I trust that you will follow through with your intentions and follow your spirit in your endeavours.
Have you an idea or inclination as to what direction your desire to continue formal education may take you?
By the way, there is NO doubt that you have the intelligence, drive and determination to accomplish whatever you immerse yourself in, once you are ALL in!
Much growth and success for you!
Dweeb
It's been a long time since I've logged in to this blog. I apologize for just now seeing your comment.
ReplyDeleteMy ideas are so sporadic, my brain can't process one long enough to decide what it is that I truly wish to do. I know in my heart there is SOMETHING else that I am meant to do. The only thing I keep coming back to, is writing.
Thank you for the boost in confidence and it's funny that you should say that last part about being ALL in...that appears to be the obstacle ;)
M