Amazing, but true....

Well, hello again.....
Do you know what year this is? Of course you do.  I was only asking because I am the one who is confused.  It can't possibly be 2013. Why, you ask? For the simple reason that I am going to be 40 years old in a few months, I'm still at home looking after my family and spending far too much of the rest of my time alone.  Exactly the way things have been for almost 18 years.  Oh, that's an exaggeration I know, a few things have changed, but honestly...not much.

It's like waking up every single day with horrible deja vu.  Or being suddenly dropped as a character into that useless, drivel of a movie called "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray.  Maybe today, for instance, I will do the laundry first and the dishes next.  Should I strip the bedding from all 4 beds in the house or just one or two and save the rest for tomorrow? Two bathrooms to clean and, might I add, I seriously believe that boys enjoy seeing how much urine they can get everywhere except IN the actual toilet.  For the most part I enjoy keeping a clean house and looking after my family and I wish I could tell this nagging voice in my head to f**k off  and go make someone else's life miserable but I wake up to the mess again and that voice just starts blathering on and on and on............

With my head stuck in a toilet or kitty litter box (we have two of those) the tears will sometimes fall.  They are angry ones.  Anger at myself for letting twenty years of my life go by in a blink and accomplishing nothing as a human being.  I've accomplished great things as a MOTHER, my kids are the best thing to ever be in my life and nothing will ever replace them.  Chalk another one up for my relationship with my partner, which is a constant work in progress and has had many bumps and bruises but has managed to kick ass every time the announcer yells last call.  These are accomplishments of a mom and "wife".  These are not the kind I am talking about.  

I wish I could smile and feel the gratitude that I should feel for having what some may call a "perfect" life.  Nice home, albeit, in constant need of repair, three healthy, great kids with wicked individual personalities, food to eat, the opportunity to be home with my kids over the years and be available whenever they need me and a very loving partner who always puts our needs as a family above his own and does his best to make sure I am happy.  Don't get me wrong by that first part.  I am SOOOO THANKFUL for all of these things.  But how can anyone be 100% happy in life when it feels as if you've spent half of it...missing something?

Putting my foot down.  Going to change things.  Yuuuuup.  Honey, you've been saying that for about five years now...you and the rest of the people who have ever heard it...are tired of your whining.

I know this....but, one day turns into Sunday and so on and before I know it another year has come and gone.  My kids are getting that much closer to spreading their wings and I am TERRIFIED of the empty nest.  Scared that I will have even more time alone to discover that, at the end of the day, my purpose(s) in life have left me here with the person I turn into and scared that I'm not going to like her very much.

Amazing, but true.....