Amazing, but true....

Well, hello again.....
Do you know what year this is? Of course you do.  I was only asking because I am the one who is confused.  It can't possibly be 2013. Why, you ask? For the simple reason that I am going to be 40 years old in a few months, I'm still at home looking after my family and spending far too much of the rest of my time alone.  Exactly the way things have been for almost 18 years.  Oh, that's an exaggeration I know, a few things have changed, but honestly...not much.

It's like waking up every single day with horrible deja vu.  Or being suddenly dropped as a character into that useless, drivel of a movie called "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray.  Maybe today, for instance, I will do the laundry first and the dishes next.  Should I strip the bedding from all 4 beds in the house or just one or two and save the rest for tomorrow? Two bathrooms to clean and, might I add, I seriously believe that boys enjoy seeing how much urine they can get everywhere except IN the actual toilet.  For the most part I enjoy keeping a clean house and looking after my family and I wish I could tell this nagging voice in my head to f**k off  and go make someone else's life miserable but I wake up to the mess again and that voice just starts blathering on and on and on............

With my head stuck in a toilet or kitty litter box (we have two of those) the tears will sometimes fall.  They are angry ones.  Anger at myself for letting twenty years of my life go by in a blink and accomplishing nothing as a human being.  I've accomplished great things as a MOTHER, my kids are the best thing to ever be in my life and nothing will ever replace them.  Chalk another one up for my relationship with my partner, which is a constant work in progress and has had many bumps and bruises but has managed to kick ass every time the announcer yells last call.  These are accomplishments of a mom and "wife".  These are not the kind I am talking about.  

I wish I could smile and feel the gratitude that I should feel for having what some may call a "perfect" life.  Nice home, albeit, in constant need of repair, three healthy, great kids with wicked individual personalities, food to eat, the opportunity to be home with my kids over the years and be available whenever they need me and a very loving partner who always puts our needs as a family above his own and does his best to make sure I am happy.  Don't get me wrong by that first part.  I am SOOOO THANKFUL for all of these things.  But how can anyone be 100% happy in life when it feels as if you've spent half of it...missing something?

Putting my foot down.  Going to change things.  Yuuuuup.  Honey, you've been saying that for about five years now...you and the rest of the people who have ever heard it...are tired of your whining.

I know this....but, one day turns into Sunday and so on and before I know it another year has come and gone.  My kids are getting that much closer to spreading their wings and I am TERRIFIED of the empty nest.  Scared that I will have even more time alone to discover that, at the end of the day, my purpose(s) in life have left me here with the person I turn into and scared that I'm not going to like her very much.

Amazing, but true.....

My Lesson

Quite possibly, one of life's cruelest jokes is when you realize half way through the years of your life that perhaps there was something else you were supposed to be doing.  Now circumstances prevent you from pursuing that realization.  Then, you must spend the rest of your years, wondering, dreaming and maybe even plotting on how you can achieve what seems so out of reach.  


A quote I read somewhere sticks in my head like a yellow post-it note on my computer desk...
"You will only ever know two things about another human being.  What you want to see in them and what they want to show you."  Combined together, these become the person you think you "know".


I feel I have spent the better part of twenty years showing people a certain side of me.  The side that I want them to see.  There are very few people who have gotten to know me well enough to know  the opposite side...the "deeper" side.


This is the place that hides all of my dark thoughts of not being good enough.  Smart enough.  Strong enough.  The place that takes all the words that people say around me and to me and stores them to think about at a later time.


Everyone has this hidden place.  No matter how positive about things they seem or how happy they appear.  The ability to keep it hidden or make jokes at its' expense, is what differentiates each of us.


Personally, I believe, that if some people in my life knew of my "other" side, they would be shocked.  Some because they might not have realized that I could be so intelligent, others for not knowing I can be so dumb.  


This is the year that I will change people's perception of me.  That I will do something with my life because I want to, not because I have to.  Guilt for wanting to do this is going to always be there.  Funny though, I don't care anymore.


I spent my time as a child looking after my alcoholic mother.  I spent my entire teenage years looking after an alcoholic ex-boyfriend and I've spent my 20's and 30's looking after my children and supporting my fiance in his wants and needs.  I am overdue for some "quid pro quo".


I am going to go back to school.  I am going to learn something that I want to learn and I am going to use what I learn to make a difference to the rest of my time. 


Perhaps, the most important thing I will learn is a lesson I've already taught....Support is supposed to be unconditional to someone you love....


Cheers :)

To be or not to be "Politically Correct"

Seriously.  What the hell does that mean? Politically correct.  Does it just come down to not saying exactly what you feel sometimes to the person who really needs to hear it?? They, meaning apparently the people who think they know how things should be in the universe, have determined that it is not ok to say certain things in certain places to certain people.  For instance, Merry Christmas.  W@W....a nice gesture turned into a religious stab at someone who isn't religious or who has chosen to kneel at the feet of some other higher power.  

There are certain people in this world who need to be told when they are being assholes...because believe it or not...we all can be.  I admit it.  I'm an asshole.  Kind of being one now I suppose.  But, I am so completely tired and exhausted of listening to people talk garbage and criticize others for their mistakes unwilling to reflect on their own basic human weaknesses.  

With everything that is going on around the world, between religious persecution, political persecution, floods, famine, fire and fuck ups, shouldn't the right to say exactly what we mean to whom we mean it still be a human right? I would like to retain the right to say what I want and I believe that you should have the right to tell me why I'm wrong, right, etc....I give attitude, you give it back. Quid pro quo.  

There, that is off of my mind.  Going now to shake it off and enjoy the rest of this rainy day...

Cheers! :) 

Part Two of the Story

Choose wisely

If Isabella possessed the wisdom to make wise choices would she still have found herself to be at the mercy of a voice in the dark?

Only one question pervaded her thoughts.  The words were spoken aloud even though she was sure that she had not voiced them.

"What will become of me?"

Suddenly, her subconcious opened and a flood of painful memories she had assumed were laid to rest came into focus before her.  There were goosebumps covering her flesh.

Her mother, drunk and behaving like a disobedient child as Isabella was helping her to get undressed and into bed.  Cleaning up the vomit, dirty beer bottles and overflowing ashtrays that were scattered around the tiny apartment.  She was 10.

Isabella's father, also drunk, yelling at her for crying out because he had closed the bedroom door and she was afraid of the dark.  Lying in bed listening to the sound of music and laughter from the kitchen.  Her father returning to hit her with his belt because she called out to him again and interrupted the party with his friends.  She was 8.

Her fear upon waking to find that a strange man had crawled into bed with her in the middle of the night and was touching her everywhere.  He was drunk and smelled strongly of cigarettes and bad body odour.  Her confusion and humility when she realized that her mother was drunk at the neighbors apartment and had left Isabella alone in her bed.  Again.  She was 6.

All the worst possible memories and feeling flooded her mind seemingly all at once.  Isabella curled up with her knees drawn to her chin and sobbed.

Thankfully, the voice spoke again.

"Isabella, I am sure that you are scared and don't want to return to things you had believed were long forgotten.  However, the emotions you feel are what is needed to help guide you in your decision."

Lying there on the floor in torn clothes with scratches and blood drying onto her face, she said the first words that came to her.

My Dog Asia

Today I need to talk about my dog.  Her name is Asia and she is a black cocker spaniel.  She is also not the sharpest tool in the shed.  She is my "blonde moment".  I mean that in two different and distinct ways.  The first one being that I must have been having one to get her in the first place and secondly, she has them....A LOT of them......
For instance, she barks when a knock is at the door.  I get that.  This is a good thing for her to announce company or unwanted visitors.  The fact that she will also bark when you knock on the wall, as  she  is  watching  you is not normal however.
She barks when you holler come in.  Again, when someone is at the door to do so, I understand.  However, she will also bark when you just holler hello for the simple act of driving the dog nuts.  No one at the door.

You can let her outside, let her run around for half and hour to do her business and then let her back in, where she will promptly decide that the basement floor is a much better place to do such a thing. 
We have had her as part of the family for 3 and half years now.  Considered many times to pass her off on some unsuspecting fools that love her big, sad eyes and droopy ears.  But, I think we are beyond that. 

For anyone who has watched the movie or read the book Marley and Me, you would understand why.  Even though we are typically CAT people, (we have two Siamese cats as well)  I can't really imagine what it would be like here in the house without her.  It's hard to visualize what it would be like to walk across the room without tripping over her or having to clean up the mounds of dog fur in the fridge daily. 

So, you'll have to excuse me, because right now I have to go clean up the chewed up bits of toilet paper and cellophane from cheese slices that she tore into from the garbage bag. 

The Beginning of a Story: Your Whole Death Ahead of You

Isabella was dead.  As sure as she could feel the blood oozing down her forehead and dripping off her nose and hear the resonating sound of screaming, she knew in her soul it was true.  

The slow motion awareness of floating crystals filling the space in front of her was surreal. She had closed her eyes and her mind to events taking place at the moment. There was no pain.  No moment of recalling special moments throughout her life.  Only peace and quiet. 

Unsure if this was a dream or not, Isabella decided to force her body to move.  An arm.  A leg.  Simply open an eyelid.  The eyelids appeared to be the only workable option.  

A hallway in front of her seemed to stretch for eternity.  Doors were all along both sides of the vast hall that ended in blackness at the other end.  Without warning, a voice spoke that wasn't near her but yet seemed to be all around her. 

Isabella, you have to make a decision now.  Behind these doors are all of your memories that have consumed your subconcious for your whole life.  You now have an opportunity to go through one of  these doors and make a change to one thing, good or bad, that will determine the outcome of your death. The other option is for you to walk the length of this hall into the darkness and change nothing.  The only thing I must tell you is that no matter what you decide you will still have your whole death ahead of you. 

Let's be Honest

I am having such a great day!  I'm not dong anything different than on any other day.  The difference being that I think I have a purpose to it now.  Somewhat. 
Upon hearing the words, "do what you know" I have spent a lot of time trying to figure that out.  Here is a couple of things I know I can do and do well.
Read    
Write (with proper grammar and spelling)  
Type

Well, Hello!! Why don't I write? This way I get to write it, read it and type it....perfect!

Ok, but write what?  This is a literal "Laugh Out Loud" moment. 
So here is what I am going to do.  I am going to start small.  Blog.  Perhaps research and do some Hubs on Hubpages.  Squidoo? Why not!?

In checking out all of these sites and trying to learn more about SEO and backlinks and how to drive traffic to my site and articles, I figured something out.....I'm DOING something and I am enjoying it.  Give me time and I just might write something profound and/or inspirational.  At least, I hope so, but if not at least I am doing something that I enjoy and learning lots in the process.

Cheers! :)